I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
