you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
