We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
