Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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