Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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