You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
