I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
do nipples grow back?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
