Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
