Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
