I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
