I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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