dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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