Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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