my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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