you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
