Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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