I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
