Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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