So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
