so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
