i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
