My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
