If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
