Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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