My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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