I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
