yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
