dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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