I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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