I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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