In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
