This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
