oh god the rape fog is back!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
