Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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