drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
