Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
