Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
