we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
