im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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