I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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