I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
