His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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