She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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