then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
