I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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