I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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