between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I need to align my fucking chakras
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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