I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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