I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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