I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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